Giving birth: the miracle of life - but what if you’re planning to do it again for the tenth time?
There are huge reams of literature are devoted to what to expect when conceiving your first child.
There are writings on what it might feel like, how to prep yourself, whether or not to give birth to the sweet music of Chesney Hawkes
(seriously - not making this up: http://www.madeformums.com/
There’s even this Daily Mail article on moms' first post-birth words, (subtitle: “Sorry for saying f**k) http://www.dailymail.co.uk/
(After all, who doesn’t need to know that you might end up greeting one of the most miraculous moments of your life with the phrase: “She’s sticky”?)
But when it comes to trying to get pregnant for the tenth time, there is really not a lot written about it.
This is not so useful given that there are a huge number of challenges that a tenth-time couple will likely face when having their deca-kid.
Essentially, this is a topic that needs to be taken on.
It needs to have a degree of scrutiny given to it as a serious matter.
Partly this is for the sake of any prospective 10th-time parents.
Partly this is for the sake of the children themselves.
But partly it’s for the sheer entertainment value of publishing 2,000 words on the topic via Twitter for your reading pleasure.
No really, you’re very welcome.
So, over the course of the next 2,000 words, you can expect some analysis of the following topics:
1. A tenth baby: reasons to not stop reproducing after your ninth kid.
2. Keeping the magic alive - is there any way to make the moment of conception special when you’ve already done it nine times?
(Or is it just a case of going through the reproductive motions - like Groundhog Day, but with fewer weather-curious mammals?)
(Incidentally: in a number of states, it’s illegal to involve weather-curious mammals in conception, so do please check your by-laws
- best to ensure that you’re not doing anything wrong before conceiving. For the sake of the groundhogs if nothing else)
3. The tenth pregnancy - business as usual, or is it possible that there might just be some surprises?
4. How much is it going to hurt - does it ever get easier to pop a tiny human out of your own body?
5. Sibling rivalry - Does the youngest child still get jealous of the attention given to its younger sibling?
Even though it already has so many that its parents struggle to remember its name?
6. The future - should you stop there? Or is it worth seeing if you can make it to an entire soccer team?
These of course, will be discussed in an incredibly well-informed manner, which is based entirely on rigorous science.
Don’t worry about Googling to check the facts or anything. They’re well-researched, promise.
So well-researched that you won’t even be needing any citations for the sources - so you won’t be getting any. Again: you’re welcome.
First topic of discussion: why on earth would you want to get pregnant when you’ve already done it 9 times?
Now, listen: just because you’ve done something lots of times, doesn’t make it less good.
How many times have you eaten chocolate? Probably more than nine times. Are you going to continue to do so? Yes, because it's great.
Now, admittedly babies don’t taste delicious.
Also, when you eat chocolate you aren’t necessarily getting into a life-long emotional and financial commitment.
It also rarely leads to you having to change anyone’s nappies.
But let’s overlook those details. This argument is about the principle: if it’s good once, it’s good every single time.
One of the other key arguments involved in wanting to get pregnant for the tenth time is: The Basketball Principle.
The Basketball Principle is not to be mistaken for The Basketball Principal.
The Basketball Principal sounds like an upcoming revival of 90s sitcom Hanging With Mr Cooper - which this isn’t.
The Basketball Principle is all about self-sufficiency. It’s all about doing things for yourself.
It’s all about not being afraid to stand on your own two feet and tell society that you are fully self-reliant.
Fully self-reliant when it comes to the world of hoop-based sports that are not Quidditch, that is.
Yep, the Basketball Principle essentially says: “Wait a minute! If we have 10 kids, we’d have enough for a family game of basketball!”
In certain areas of the world, this is a very powerful argument.
Notably those areas of the world which are very small towns with poor transportation links.
Or those areas of the world where most people think that basketball is a strange excuse for oversized shorts.
Or those areas of the world where people are really, really into only shooting hoops against people with whom they share genomes.
You’d be surprised at how many areas of the world there are to which these things apply.
Unless you think that there are almost no areas of the world to which these things apply. In that case, you wouldn’t be surprised.
Let’s move on.
Another great reason for having that tenth baby is your legacy. Think about it: were your siblings geniuses?
No. And chances are that the siblings of any kids you have are also unlikely to be. Which is why you gotta keep pumping them out.
Every time you bring a new life into this world, it’s another chance that they’ll be the human who finally discovers how to poop gold.
Thus securing your future financial needs until your dying day.
But even if they wind up disappointingly failing to fire precious metals out of their ass - and let’s face it, so many people do…
…they’re still a great asset for your future.
No kids ever want to end up having to sponge bath their parents. And, frankly, no parent ever wants to be sponge bathed by their kid.
But one day, you’re going to need a sponge bath.
It’s one of the inalienable facts of life along with gravity and accidentally dropped toast always landing butter side down.
No-one likes it. But it happens.
And not only do you have more chance of being sponge bathed if there are ten kids for you to appeal to…
…but if you raised them well, you might even be able to get a sort of rota thing going so that you’re constantly squeaky clean.
Of course, the term “sponge bath” is here not referring strictly to being bathed with a sponge.
It’s being used as short-hand to mean “palliative care”.
If you prefer, the term: “handed a warm blanket” works too. Bit less attention-grabbing, but each to their own.
Anyway, you get the gist: getting pregnant for the tenth time has its appeal to some people.
Moving on, the next question is this: is it possible to have any magic involved in conception on the tenth run-through?
Or are you just going through the motions by this point?
Here’s one way to think about it: you’ve probably had sex more than ten times, right?
Some of those times were probably kinda magical even after the tenth time you’d done it.
Probably even after the 100th time.
Sex is often quite magical - if you’re doing it right.
(Where “magical” is used in an emotional sense - there should be no broomsticks involved)
Having had sex a lot of times shouldn’t mean that you can’t enjoy it.
Hell, didn’t your parents ever tell you: practice makes perfect?
(Possibly not the exact topic they’d hoped that lesson might be applied to, but hey…)
In a way, the tenth time round could possibly be even more enjoyable than the first time.
After all, plenty of first-time couples get a bit hung up on ovulation cycles and ideal times for sex to lead to conception.
That’s the kinda stuff that can kill the magic of sex.
But tenth time round those sort of worries should be no biggy: you’ve already done it ten times. It’s a piece of cake!
Thus leaving you free to enjoy your partner’s romantic attentions and the smooth sounds of Barry White - or whatever floats your boat.
In a way, conception could actually be more special every time you do it.
This, presumably, explains the size of the family in The Waltons.
What about the pregnancy itself, though? Is that going to throw up any surprises on the tenth time round?
Well, if there’s one thing that’s certain, it’s that the human body always has the capacity to surprise you.
Also that perhaps the phrase: “throw up” was not the most fortunate choice of words to use there.
For a start, you’re likely to be significantly older by the time of your tenth pregnancy than you were for baby #1.
After all, it takes nine months to gestate a baby.
You also need to add in a few months of time for being far too sleep deprived to even think about wanting to conceive again.
Once every year and a half: surely the absolute fastest that anyone can be giving birth?
In which case you’ll be 15 years older by the time you have your tenth kid than you were for your first birth
(that’s 10 x 1.5 years, maths fans)
Can you think of anything that your body does in a more reliable, predictable way than it did when you hit 18?
There’s always something new, isn’t there? A new mysterious ache, some kind of illness or infection that you haven’t had before, etc.
And generally that happens when you aren’t attempting to sustain the life of another human being inside you.
So why shouldn’t a pregnancy that takes place 15 years later have the ability to throw up new surprises?
If anything, the older you get, the more chance there is of it throwing up new surprises.
This is possibly also a useful way to think about the actual act of giving birth.
Obviously there’s a question about whether it’ll hurt as much when it’s your tenth time.
And in a way that question makes sense.
It does seem unlikely that you won’t be pretty familiar with exactly how painful something is when you’ve already done it nine times.
But that doesn’t mean that it stops hurting.
In fact, as discussed: the older you get, the more things hurt that didn’t used to.
Presumably you’ve exercised more than nine times in your life. Probably more than 100 times, in fact.
Does that mean that it hurts less as you get older? Sadly not.
The same is quite possibly true of pregnancy.
Someone’s probably done some research on it or something. Google it: you’re not getting all the work done for you.
Moving on, another thing that’s worth discussing is sibling rivalry.
Ie that thing where the youngest child gets a bit upset by its newest sibling stealing the limelight.
When child number 9 sees child number 10 popping out (figure of speech - they should definitely not be in the birthing room at that point)…
…are they likely to feel jealous even though it already has eight other brothers/sisters?
Obviously no kid likes it when they stop becoming the main focus of their parents’ constant attention.
But if there were ever a time when you’d be less bothered about it…
…surely that time would be when you’re already battling with eight other kids for attention?
Possibly. Hard to say, really. Unless you’ve ever been a tenth kid, obviously.
And if you have, do get in touch!
Final question: is ten enough kids? Or should you aim for 11?
Eleven be enough kids to let you set up your own soccer team, obviously.
Which, in Europe and South America, is just as strong an argument as The Basketball Principle.
But eleven is quite a lot.
Eleven is also the name of the kid in “Stranger Things”, so maybe you might feel a bit creeped out.
Tough one.
And there ends this fascinating discussion of getting pregnant for the tenth time.
For the final time: YOU’RE WELCOME!
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